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The Date

The Date
---or---
The Man who mistook his Internet date for his next boyfriend.

In many ways the Internet date has replaced the blind date of yesterday. Up until the 1970s women were always busy. You see they went on blind dates. It was the better than sitting home, right?

Then along came Mary Tyler Moore and the single woman learned she didn't have to go out on Saturday night with some loser. She could stay home and watch Mary Tyler Moore. And for this she gained 22 minutes of laughter and a lesson in being their own woman. However by not dating anyone, even the losers on the blind dates, they forfeited any chance of finding a husband.

What they failed to see was the real message was it's OK to be single as long as you're thin and pretty have two wacky neighbors and COULD get married, but you are just choosing NOT to. What was even worse was after the show ended if they weren't lucky enough to have Rhoda and Phyllis as friends you were back to being dateless on Saturday night with no additional hilarity.

What they failed to realize was the REAL Mary Tyler Moore was already married, so was Rhoda. TV is not life.

Everyone knows you shouldn't expect miracles, but that doesn't stop us from doing so. You just know the guy you meet off the Internet will be a cross between Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and your 7th grade gym teacher. He will also have Donald Trump's money. Of course while you're on the date with him, you will find he is in fact a brain surgeon or a Supreme Court Justice, who only works because it's fun.

Then the doorbell rings...

...Back to reality

The old saying is truth is stranger than fiction and well this guy of the Internet is proving it tenfold.

So let's see what really happened before that doorbell rang.

Well you saw his picture on the website. He was hot. Everyone is hot because their picture is 10 years old. OK you could've asked him how old the pic was, but he'd probably lie anyway so why ruin illusion. So you chat via email and AIM, and then you give him the number. He calls you or you call him. First thing is, did he block his number when it comes up on your caller ID? OK so he blocked it, but the conversation goes on.

You have this very uncomfortable conversation and not only that but you have to pretend you are enjoying the awkwardness. He asks you to a movie you have no interest in, or to dinner at a place, which serves food, you're allergic to.

So then you have to worry about what you're going to wear, do you need a haircut, will he notice that pimple I have or that I didn't have time to have my teeth whitened?

You worry about if he'll look like his photo and whether you will have something to talk about, or even if you will have sex, or at least a hot make out session. You know you're going to have a terrible time but you go because you are now having an anxiety attack and your therapist tells you the only way to shed those anxiety attacks it to live through them. That's right; you tell yourself, it's good therapy.

Meanwhile the doorbell rings again...

...You go to answer

Great he hasn't even shaved, if that is him. Wait a minute you think maybe it's the pizza guy you tell yourself. That's right it's the pizza guy and he has the wrong flat. But then a horrible thought occurs what if he is your date as well as being the pizza guy. What if this is his second job? But you calm down and realize he has no pizza and this is him. Damn it you would think he could at least bring some pizza.

But you quickly get over the fact that while you angst over the date for three days, this guy couldn't be bothered to shave or apparently even comb his hair. Well maybe that pointy hair is what's in style, you tell yourself.

You try to console yourself that looks aren't everything, after all he looks like a movie star, true it's Danny DeVito but still looks aren't everything.

You invite him in and offer him a drink and talk a bit.

You tell yourself he is a great catch. After all his ex-wife has been trying to catch him for back alimony and child support for years.

"Well," you say to yourself, it'll do you good to go out with an old-fashioned guy, though from the conversation so far the only thing old fashioned about him is his suit from 1975.

Of course the rest of the date is downhill from this point but he does say he'll call. And you wait, and wait and wait and wait for the call.

And you hope he will call if only to prove someone other than your mother knows how to dial your phone number.


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