Woman) Look Margo I told you before I don't kill people.
I wish I had heard the question to this answer. 'Cause I can only think of one thing the question could be. And it COULDN'T be that. Could it?
Woman) And Dorothy thinks you are just so special and smart and handsome.
Man) Yeah I'd date her if she wasn't so ugly.
Woman) Well you could do a lot worse than Dorothy.
Man) Perhaps, after all I haven't met everyone.
I actually almost fell over laughing when I overheard this. It struck me as very funny.
Man) Your mother cut me out of the picture. What happened to my face?
Woman) Yeah what happened to it, looks like you fell on it.
Sadly it actually did look like he fell on it.
Woman) Bruce couldn't find anyone to feed his cat while he went on his weekend. So he begged me to do it. Well I had just finished feeding the cat and was going through his drawers when I found a whole bunch of Playboy magazines. Can you imagine what kind of sick, perverted stuff he does whiles he's looking at the pictures?
Something about this just don't seem right does it?
Woman to her kid about 13 years old)
Men will want to do filthy, disgusting things to you. Don't let them.
People pick the oddest places to have a mother / daughter sex talk.
Little Girl) Last time we went out to eat with grandma, she choked, and when dad hit her on her back, her falsies fell out.
As funny as this would be, something makes me believe she meant to say false teeth fell out.
Woman) Now Jimmy don't call your grandma fat. That isn't nice. Say she is big boned instead.
Jimmy) You mean if she goes on a diet she's gonna lose her bones?
It takes a little kid to put it in perspective.
Little Boy) I didn't do it. I swear to God and hope to die.
Mother) Oh no, not hope to die!
As if he would.
Woman #1) Oh come on now, you're pushing 40.
Woman #2) Well if I'm pushing it, you're dragging it.
Why can't people admit their age? I'm proud of the fact I'm I'm going on 35. That's what I'm going on, where I'm coming from is nobody's business.
Overweight Man) Gloria, c'mon go out with me, you'll have a whale of an evening.
Gloria) More like an evening with a whale.
OK she was rude, but some people really should stop asking for it.
Little Boy) I hate Bobby he's mean and stupid and a moron.
Mother) Wow you really don't like Bobby do you?
Little Boy) Oh he's OK.
I love little kid logic, don't you?
Man #1) Rubbing your elbow? Does it hurt?
Man #2) No I'm masturbating and I'm just really bad at it.
This just cracked me up for some reason
This actually happened at the New York Museum of Natural History, while I waited in line at a resturaunt. I don't have a resturaunt section so I'll put it here.
Father) Everything looks so good here.
Little Boy) Wow look at all the fat people here, I hope they leave us some food.
Then an extremely large woman, in front of those two, turns around and says to the boy...
"Don't worry, I'll try to save some food for you."
The fat lady was mad because the kid had a legitimate concern she'd eat everything???