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Being Single

Notes On Being Single

Being single means buying a head of lettuce and then having to eat the leaves like a plague of locusts before it goes bad. Why can't they grow half a head of lettuce? The main advantage of being single is you are alone; it's also the main disadvantage.

Usually it isn't a problem, till the other day when I purposely swallowed a bone so someone would give me the Heimlich maneuver. Hey a hug is a hug right?

And I always have the stuck up cat that comes up to my window and stays till I try to pet him. I guess when it comes to me showing him affection, he has "better things to do."

Being single means counting sheep to fall asleep. I often wish I had someone in bed with me. Then they could help me count the sheep. I have a bad habit of counting some sheep twice.

The worst thing about being gay and single is that all your straight friends will try to fix you up. And fix you up they will, with anyone. Well with anyone else, provide they are gay. Like that is all it takes, both parties just have to be gay and that is enough. Two gay guys that is enough, for a match made in heaven.

The next worse thing about being gay and single is that your friends will STOP trying to fix you up. That is after they figure out there must be something horribly wrong with you because none of their fix ups have worked.

There are three camps of gay singles. The previously heterosexual singles, the always gay and single and the never had any chance single. I belong to the last group.

Some people cope with single hood very well. They visit nursing homes, read to the blind, teach homeless people to read, learn foreign languages and generally have a very satisfying life. These are called sick people. They make me sick.

Others like me mope around; hang out in bars and the Internet, constantly complaining that misery and loneliness have no upside.

Of course the sick people, those self actualized weirdoes will point out that love comes from inside you, and while that love that comes from "inside you," is nice, it doesn't cuddle up to you or tell you "things will be all right."

Still they have a point, no one else can make you happy, though I do suspect Darren Hayes could point me in the right direction to say the least.

Married folk on the other hand. tend to equate wedlock with hemlock. They constantly want me to tell them about the excitement I have, the orgies I attend and the mind-blowing orgasms I have.

And, so of course, I tell them the plots to the porn movies I rent. See porn can come in handy, sometimes. I usually just tell them the plot, smirk a little then head home with my head of lettuce, to count sheep and talk to the stuck up cat that peaks inside my window occasionally.


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